“It’s only by saying NO that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.”
Steve Jobs
Growing up as a middle child in a large family, I quickly learned the art of navigating differing opinions and helping people find common ground. I wasn’t the loudest voice in the room, and I certainly didn’t enjoy arguing just for the sake of it. Instead, I focused on aligning people’s interests to create harmony. This skill would later serve me well in my career, as I worked with diverse groups of stakeholders who often held strong, valid, but opposing views. My job was to help them find common ground—while keeping my own focus and energy intact.
But as I’ve learned over time, facilitating common ground can sometimes create the false impression that every request or perspective needs to be accommodated. As a service provider, this approach can be a recipe for failure. Not every opportunity is for you. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do it. Every commitment that doesn’t align with your goals drains your time, focus, and resources.
If you’re someone who struggles to say no, or you’re used to the “resentful yes,” take this as your wake-up call to make some adjustments. As Warren Buffet says, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”
Here are three practical ways to avoid falling into the trap of taking on too much and straying off course from your goals:
- Be clear on your priorities. When you’re unsure of your priorities, it’s easy to give in to the demands of the moment. Create a decision matrix based on your priorities. What’s essential for you to take on a project, attend a meeting, or accept an invitation? What is at stake when you say yes?
- Think in terms of how to be helpful, not how to accommodate the request. Rather than trying to fit everything in, ask yourself: How can I move things along one more step? How can I advance the thinking? Just because an opportunity isn’t the right fit for you doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for someone else. Your “help” could be a timely introduction, sharing insights, or connecting them to someone better suited. Don’t default into how you can squeeze it in. Instead think of how to be helpful without overcommitting yourself – a ‘right then and there’ type of helpful with no strings attached.
- Set up a system. Create a structure and process that protects you from providing the ‘resentful yes’. If you don’t like being put on the spot, have a standard response that buys you time to reflect. If you struggle with saying no directly, set up a filter or buffer that says no on your behalf. Your time and focus are precious—treat them that way.
Every time I have failed to personally apply these principles, it has had dire consequences.
Ultimately, remember: Your “No” is enough. It doesn’t require justification or a long explanation. A simple, clear no is the most helpful thing you can do.
Yours in possibilities,
TKO